The Ultimate Survival Guide-Dictatorship and Civil War Edition (Trump’s Land)
1- True Friends are the ones who own power generators.
2- Sleep-in during the day in order to be able to function, the night is dark and full of drones.
3- Drones will take pictures, so clean your roof top unless you want a guy named Petrov mocking your cleanness with his buddies.
4- Have 2-3 different sets of political views and opinions, study your audience and agree with them in order to avoid being shot
5- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram should be all private, people don’t need to know your location, your opinions or the fact that you exist.
6- If anyone asks, it’s a “Revolution” not a civil war.
7- When stopped at check points, Always answer with “I support the Lord” when asked what side you support. Religious extremists will like that and others will think you meant Lord- Commander.
8- Use the Swedish Revolution as a reference when ever someone whines and says your revolution won’t be successful.
9-You don’t need to actually read about the Swedish Revolution.
10-There was no Swedish Revolution.
11-Cold Showers are the best. (They are not, but you have no electricity)
12- Be nice to your relatives abroad, you will need them.
13- Be extra nice to your relatives at home, they’ll either protect you, or kill you.
14- As long as you can hear bullets, you’re fine, you won’t hear the one that kills you.
15- Don’t bother remembering government officials names, they’ll either leave the country, resign or be assassinated.
16- You can use excuses like “Drones were too loud” “I found a bomb under my car” or “Someone was following me in a silver car and I had to lose them” to explain why you were late to work.
17- What doesn’t kill you, make you stron.. ok, who am I kidding, it’ll probably kill you the next time.
18- Learn how to enjoy reading books, it’s the only form of entertainment you have.
19- Make friends who work in non-profits and human rights organizations, ask them for the wi-fi password, park there at night to download 2-3 episodes of Game Of Thrones.
20- During a heavy clash outside, don’t use fire works, you douchebag.
21- If you have any special dietary needs, well, it was nice knowing you.
22- Hospitals are not reliable, so don’t get sick.
23- That love and respect you thought other countries had for you, oh well, you were naive.
24- Blame the international community, neighboring countries, Russia, the UN and eventually you will realize, the problem is you, your people and your country’s bad decisions. You hate the other side, but you will have no peace without them..so grow up.
25- In case 24 doesn’t work, leave the country, apply for an Asylum and start a comedy career in your new found kinda democratic country. If you’re lucky, they’ll last for 2 years.